Hikaru's Counter Emo Master Plan
by Jengou
Summary: Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.
1. Where Hikaru is Not So Stupid

**Title:** Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 1/7)  
**Author:** Jengou  
**Fandom:** Ouran High School Host Club  
**Genre:** Emotastic!Crack (Humour)  
**Pairing:** Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)  
**Spoilers:** This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.  
**Description:** Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.  
**Disclaimers:** Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.  
**Acknowledgements:** Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

**Chapter 1: Where Hikaru Is Not As Stupid As Everyone Thinks  
**

_Well, since you still came running to me in that situation..._

Kaoru remembered his mission, forced a laugh and hastily steered his brother and Haruhi away for some privacy. Pushing them ahead of him and away was easy - the hard part was trying not to care that Hikaru hadn't noticed.

_I guess we're still OK._

◊

A passing breeze gentley masked the quiet conversation ahead. 

"See? I told you so." Hikaru's tone was low, but triumphant.

"Huh. Kaoru does seem to be matchmaking the two of us," Haruhi conceded. Kaoru had by now lagged behind by quite a distance, and was following at a steadily slower pace.

"Not only that. He thinks I _don't notice_," Hikaru gritted through his teeth.

Haruhi was nonplussed. "Why don't you just tell him to stop it?"

"Because it's his _Emo Master Plan_." Hikaru seethed. "He thinks he's the more perceptive and independent one of us, and that he's being all _noble_ by giving me up for my sake. Poo poo to that!" The elder twin narrowed his eyes, turned his head and made a dismissive pootui noise at the ground.

Haruhi shifted uncomfortably. "I'd hate to see you guys fight. It was bad enough when you were just pretending."

"But Kaoru always assumes he knows best, and repeatedly does these THINGS with utter disregard for your feelings and mine! Don't you find it _maddening_?"

"No," The Voice of Judgement pronounced firmly as she half-jogged to keep up with her companion's agitated pace. "Kaoru misunderstood, that's all. Stop this childish tirade, he's your best friend."

"Well, this best friend better learn not to literally shove me away whenever we meet someone unstupid," Hikaru grimaced. As an afterthought, he added placatingly, "Not that you're not a very special person, Haru-chan."

"Thanks," she replied dryly. "What are you going to do then, if not confront him like a normal person would?"

Hikaru tapped a finger to his chin, pretending to ponder for a bit, before dramatically announcing the gut-instinct idea he had all along, "I think I shall become a manwhore."

"Sorry," Haruhi made some ear-cleaning motions. "Dad used all the Q-tips so I couldn't clean my ears this morning. Did you say you're going to become a manwhore?"

"Yes," Hikaru said, please with the effect (this was Haruhi, after all).

"You do realize, right, that you already are-"

"I mean I shall proactively flirt with _everyone_," Hikaru added darkly. "Everyone will get some patented Hikaru-loving. Except Kaoru. Kaoru needs to be taught a lesson in honesty and appreciation. I'm going to see how long this selfless act of his can last." He smirked then, and after that it was all sunny small-talk as they headed toward their next class.

**Next! Chapter 2: Where Kaoru Is Emo**


	2. Where Kaoru Is Emo

**Title:** Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 2/7)  
**Author:** Jengou  
**Fandom:** Ouran High School Host Club  
**Genre:** Emotastic!Crack (Humour)  
**Pairing:** Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)  
**Spoilers:** This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.  
**Description:** Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.  
**Disclaimers:** Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.  
**Acknowledgements:** Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

**Chapter 2: Where Kaoru Is Emo**

Dear Diary,

Hikaru is being a BAKA.

His behaviour in the host club today was utterly scandalous! Eyeing up other host club members, flirting excessively with other clients, and worst of all, ignoring me!

CASE IN POINT: He set up a HIKARU'S LOVE LOVE KISSING BOOTH. Customers who bought more than five kisses got to watch him eat maple syrup in an unspeakably SEKSII slutty fashion. I... I... When he wouldn't accept payment, I thought, of course, I'd get them for FREE, but... but... it was not to be! cries a whirlpool of tears!

I know I pushed him away to initiate the expansion of Our-World-As-He-Knows-It, but it wasn't supposed to be this _easy_, dammit! He's getting an earful from me after I finish this entry!

In vexation,

Kaoru

◊

Dear Diary,

Hikaru has LOCKED HIS ROOM! He's never done this before! I felt like scrabbling at the door and begging him to open up and take me back, but, argh, dignity and all.

If Hikaru won't listen to me, then I'm telling Mom! It is, after all, the mother's duty to instill proper less slutty behaviour in their children.

In desperation,

Kaoru

◊

Dear Diary,

ALAS! Even Kyouya-sempai has forsaken me! He says Hikaru's behaviour, precisely because it was so scandalous, has piqued customer interest and increased our designation rate exponentially. Not only are there more designations for the Hitachiin Brothers, but for the first time, customers are designating us separately. Oh, I know those dastardly girls. They're splitting up their gossiping forces to get both sides of the story and then exchanging gossip afterwards. The nerve! Hitachiin Brothers are a set!

Betrayed by my twin, Kyouya-sempai, and my clients all in one day.

Clearly, my world is full of WOE.

In despondency,

Kaoru

**Next! Chapter 3: Where We Get To See Hikaru's Manwhore Attempts In Action**


	3. Where Hikaru Attempts to be a Manwhore

**Title:** Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 3/7)  
**Author:** Jengou  
**Fandom:** Ouran High School Host Club  
**Genre:** Emotastic!Crack (Humour)  
**Pairing:** Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)  
**Spoilers:** This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.  
**Description:** Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.  
**Disclaimers:** Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.  
**Acknowledgements:** Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

**Chapter 3: Where We Get To See Hikaru's Manwhore Attempts In Action**

_SCENE: The Third Music Room. It is the Next Day, and a sign declares: The Host Club is now OPEN_

HIKARU: Oh Honey-sempai!

HONEY: Hai, Hika-chan? ♥

HIKARU: I have cake for you...

HONEY: Yay, I love Hika-chan! ♥ ♥

HIKARU: ...on my chest. We've run out of plates. Here's a fork. Please be gentle ♥

◊

MORI: Mitsukuni.

HONEY: Hai, Takashi?

MORI: Did you enjoy Hikaru's cake?

HONEY: I did! ♥ Hika-chan put lots of strawberries in it! ♥ Not only were there strawberries on top of the cake, there were also strawberry chunks inside the cake! So I had lots of strawberries with every bite ♥

MORI: And... the plate was ok?

HONEY: Anou... it was a bit difficult when a piece of strawberry was caught inside Hika-chan's belly button. And you know how I love strawberries ne? ♥ It would hurt Hika-chan if I used a fork, he said, so I had to suck it out. Tasted a bit salty, which is ok, but I prefer sweet strawberries ne! ♥

MORI: ...

MORI: Please lend me Usa-chan.

◊

HIKARU: _frolicking bare-chested_ Kyouya-sempai! Look, while feeding Honey-sempai cake, I noticed that I now have a total of three hairs on my chest. Do you think I should shave them when we wear revealing costumes? I quite like them though... they make me feel manly does Mr. Muscleman pose

KYOUYA: ... are they red? If so, yes, please shave them on a daily basis scribbles on clipboard.

HIKARU: Hai. Ah, Tono, lookit, hair on my chest! teasing tones I bet even you don't have hair on your chest

TAMAKI: ...!

HIKARU: beams mischeviously I'm going to show Haruhi! _flounces off_

TAMAKI: ... Mom...?

KYOUYA: ... Yes, Dad?

TAMAKI: Would you still love me even if I don't have hair on my chest?

KYOUYA: ...tilts his glasses, which could be interpreted as 'Yes', 'No', or more likely, 'I think, as the Mom, I should probably start shaving'

◊

CLIENT (GIRL): Ara! Hikaru-kun is being very cheerful today!

KAORU: _wistful tone_ Yes, yes he is.

CLIENT (GIRL): Ah, I know how you must feel, Kaoru-kun. Neglected, oh so abruptly, by your own twin brother! It must pain you in the heart.

KAORU: _wipes away tear_

CLIENT (GIRL): There there, Kaoru-kun. Hikaru-kun is simply curious. It is perfectly normal to experiment like he does, so don't worry! _pats Kaoru's arm condescendingly_ I am sure that when Hikaru-kun becomes bored of experimenting, he'll settle down and seek you out again.

KAORU: Ah, I hope so. _thinking: MAY LIGHTNING STRIKE HER_

CLIENT (GIRL): Ne, Kaoru-kun. May I ask you a question?

KAORU: Please go ahead, my lady. _thinking: STRIKE HER TO DUST TO MINGLE WITH DOG POO_

CLIENT (GIRL): _gossip mode ON_ How many hairs on your chest do _you_ have?

◊

HIKARU: Haaaruhi! Behold my chest hairs! _whisper_ My Counter-Emo Master Plan is working!

HARUHI: _earnest_ Get those away from me! _whisper_ thissss isss sssoooo sstuuuupid! How do you know it's working anyway?

HIKARU: Ah, you are the first one to properly acknowledge the presence of my chest hairs! _whisper_ The password for Kaoru's Super Secret Livejournal account is 'hikarukaoru4EVA' all in one word.

◊

_SCENE: In Ouran High School Library, Computer Lab Section_

KAORU: _rapid click-click-click-clackity-clack-click sounds of typing_

Dear Diary,

DEATH! GLOOM! MISERY!

In despair,

Kaoru

**Next! Chapter 4: Where Hikaru is Supremely Underwhelmed by Kaoru**


	4. Where Hikaru is Underwhelmed by Kaoru

**Title:** Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 4/7)  
**Author:** Jengou  
**Fandom:** Ouran High School Host Club  
**Genre:** Emotastic!Crack (Humour)  
**Pairing:** Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)  
**Spoilers:** This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.  
**Description:** Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.  
**Disclaimers:** Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.  
**Acknowledgements:** Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

**Chapter 4: Where Hikaru is Supremely Underwhelmed by Kaoru**

It was like any other serene and sparkly afternoon on the grounds of Ouran High School. The sun was shining, the birds where chirping, and everyone in the host club were enjoying a spot of tea in the Third Music Room before business commenced for the day.

Everyone except for Kaoru, that is. Today marked the Second Day of Hikaru's Silent Treatment, and if you're Kaoru, now was no time for tea enjoyment. He had intentionally made black commoner coffee with lukewarm water so the coffee crystals wouldn't dissolve properly, and took huge gulps of it as some kind of self-punishment.

"I'm the more mature twin," Kaoru told himself, moodily stirring his drink. "I should be the bigger person and take it upon myself to make peace with Hikaru. I'm sure Hikaru is suffering a lot without my company." Kaoru took a masochistic sip of his disgusting coffee and grimaced. "Hikaru, I'm suffering with you!" He thought he could feel a tear welling up.

A tiny _chink_ could be heard as Kyouya finished his tea, which was apparently some kind of signal as everyone else suddenly gulped down their drink and rushed to get changed. Hikaru was about to go fetch his name tag (an idea he suggested to Kyouya to wind Kaoru up just that little bit more) when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Hikaru. Could I... Could I borrow you for a moment, please?" Kaoru's voice hitched slightly, and Hikaru thought he could spot a repentant tear in Kaoru's left eye.

"Of course." Hikaru replied. The 5-year-old in him cried a little at making his twin so sad, but the _other_ 5-year-old in him squealed at the anticipated success of his counter-emo plot. He followed Kaoru's lead to the far side of the Third Music Room to stand in front of a window facing the school's courtyard.

They didn't say anything for a while. Kaoru avoided Hikaru's gaze, opting instead to stare out the window in an I'm-so-very-hurt manner.

"Hikaru..." Kaoru said, breaking the emo-ladened silence.

"Yes?" Hikaru nearly preened.

"I..." Kaoru drew a deep courage-giving breath. "I feel miserable. We've drifted so very far apart in the last two days. I'd like to make peace." At Hikaru's nod, Kaoru went on. "We can be manwhores together, if that's what you want."

"I know you have certain... urges. You _are_ criminally good-looking, and we're only young once I suppose. It's ok. I won't shun you. As if I could!" Kaoru blew his nose. "I'll sacrifice my dignity to become a manwhore with you, so you needn't feel lonely! I even forgive you for ruining my best metaphor."

"YOU- what? What metaphor? I mean," Hikaru couldn't resist rolling his eyes a bit. "..._which one_?"

"_In order to live forever without getting hurt in the world with only the two of us, we gave it a very, very solid lock._" Kaoru's voice rasped. "You locked me out the other day. But I forgive you. I do!"

"..." Hikaru didn't say anything, but his silence sounded supremely underwhelmed by Kaoru's supposedly peace-making opening statements. In fact, it opened the recycling bin of Hikaru's carefully discarded thoughts for the last few months.

"Look, can you stop lobbing your guilt-trippy emo-balls at me, please? You know I friggin' love you, but you're letting puberty eat your brain."

"Hikaru! Why do you keep _hurting_ me!"

"Hey, who's hurting who, here!"

"I'm trying to make peace! That's more than what you're doing."

"Yeah, but who started this in the first place?"

"...uh, look, a flying train." Kaoru's pupils dilated.

"Oh, weaseling out of this conversation by changing the topic, huh?" Hikaru sneered.

"No, I mean INCOMING TRAIN!"

A split second later, a train derailed into the Third Music Room.

The Third Music Room, reduced to rubble of the wall-debris and train-chunks variety! Because this is a PG fic, the train was pretty much empty and as such there were no bloody corpses strewn about.

"OH MY GOD, Hikaru and Kaoru just got HIT BY A TRAIN!" screeched a predictably mortified Tamaki.

Kyouya tilted his glasses and twitched one eyebrow involuntarily. One interpretation is 'OH MY GOD, the train broke all the china! AND TWO OUT OF FOUR WALLS. Overhead costs, skyrocketing!'. If you have another interpretation, please do mail me and let me know of it.

"Hika-chan, Kao-chan! Where are you? Are you alright? Say something!" Honey voice rang out like a panicked squirrel, whereupon he proceeded to look like one by gnawing on Usa-chan's ear

"Wait.. what was a train doing derailing into the Third Music Room!" Haruhi exclaimed. "We're on the third floor! This doesn't make sense! Why does no one question-" The crashing sound of Mori pushing away rubble in search of the twins strategically drowned out Haruhi's crazy talk.

Twin groans could be heard under the biggest pile of train chunk Mori just removed, and soon hands and red hair appeared crawling out. "We're fine, Honey-sempai" the twins said, testing their limbs to make sure nothing was broken.

"Yokatta!" exclaimed the host club members in unison. Kyouya's voice was notably absent, but he rarely joins in on such harmonised exclamations, so readers need not think he's a bad person for his perceived lack of worry for the twins' safety. Please imagine the last sentence said in convincing language and tone.

"Ah, one of you have a cut across your eyebrow! It's a shallow cut, but it's bleeding a bit. Let me go fetch some bandage." said the ever-practical Haruhi.

"Oh yeah, I'm bleeding."

"Oh yeah, you're bleeding."

"Uh...yes."

"Hm."

An awkward silence hung in the air as everyone sensed that Something Was Very Wrong.

"... So... who's bleeding? Hikaru or Kaoru?"

A pregnant pause.

"You're Hikaru right?" both twins said simultaneously.

Silence reigned briefly in the Third Music Room before giving in to twin screams of violent distress. The camera panned to the ceiling (in the direction of the sound waves from the screams? To convey to the reader the location of a light source? Who knows.)

**Author's Notes: **Eeks, I'm so sorry this fic chapter is so full of stupid! I'm not happy with it, but hope you got a couple of laughs from it anyway. And, a cookie for whoever can guess which anime the latter part of this chapter's style is trying to imitate

**Next! Chapter 5: Where We Find Out Who The Culprit Was**


	5. Where We Find Out Who The Culprit Was

**Title:** Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 5/7)  
**Author:** Jengou  
**Fandom:** Ouran High School Host Club  
**Genre:** Emotastic!Crack (Humour)  
**Pairing:** Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)  
**Spoilers:** This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.  
**Description:** Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.  
**Disclaimers:** Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.  
**Acknowledgements:** Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

**Chapter 5: Where We Find Out Who The Culprit Was**

It was Tamaki who recovered from the group-stupor first. "Haruhi! Come and tell them apart, quick!"

Haruhi exerted her super power in vain. "Sempai! How am I supposed to tell them apart when even they don't even know who's who themselves?"

"Ah, we can look for the scar! Kaoru has a scar on his cheek from a previous accident, right?" That was Tamaki's Brilliant Flash of Brain Activity # 1 for the day.

"Anou, Kyouya-sempai had Kaoru surgically remove it after we came back from Karuizawa."

"... Haruhi." Kyouya's voice like like a shuddering arrow piercing through infinite darkness. "Are you criticising my efforts to preserve the symmetrical beauty that is the Hitachiin Brothers' profitable unique selling point?"

Haruhi turned visibly blue with fear. "No, that wasn't what I meant, Kyouya-sempai!"

"Calm down! Let's be more rational here! We can check their DNA! Thumb prints!" Tamaki's Brilliant Flash of Brain Activity # 2.

"Sempai... The point of identical twins is that they are identical. They share the same genes and near identical thumb prints." The scholarly Haruhi pointed out.

Kyouya hung up from a phone call. "Unfortunately, their medical and dental records are identical too. Neither of them even have a cavity, so we can't tell them apart that way either."

"Hey, Hikaru's innately meaner, right? Why don't we give them hypothetical scenarios and ask them for their reaction? The meaner reply will be Hikaru's." Tamaki's Brilliant Flash of Brain Activity # 3 (limit reached, limit reached!).

"It's a good idea, but unfortunately, with them knowing that we are planning to do that will distort their natural responses, making it an unreliable method," Haruhi theorized.

"Ne, Hika-chan, Kao-chan, would you like cake? I have strawberry, and chocolate too!" Honey offered generously in such desperate circumstances.

Tamaki looked like he was about to blow a fuse with 'THIS IS NO TIME FOR CAKES!' until both Haruhi and Mori pulled him aside and Haruhi gave him a 'please curb your stupid!' look. "Perhaps Honey had calculatively noted the twins' preferences in cake!" Haruhi whispered darkly. Mori nodded.

The twins each grabbed a chocolate cake, stuffed their faces, and continued screaming.

Haruhi and Tamaki looked deflated, Mori was expressionless, and Kyouya looked like he wanted to reprimand someone for eating cakes outside of business hours (inappropriate use of business funds!).

"Honey-sempai, what were you trying to do!" Tamaki asked accusingly.

"...Give them cake? And maybe lend them Usa-chan?" Honey replied. "Did I do something wrong? Should I... have used a different plate?" Honey's eyes widened. Mori scooped Honey up to his shoulders and walked away.

"Ara, it's just a name right? Can't they just flip a coin?" an voice said.

"... Dad! Why are you here? How? When!" Haruhi looked like she was about to implode from the illogical turn of events.

"Ohohoho! I was on the train that crashed just now The train conductor was mighty cute!"

"Did you by any chance distract him while he was doing is job?" However futile, you had to give Haruhi some credit for her attempts to rationalize the insane events that occur in her proximity.

"Iyaaa, I can't help it if my feminine beauty is more than a little bit distracting ne" And a sexy pose.

The host club members sweatdropped. Haruhi had retracted to a corner a-la-Tamaki Style to worry about the genes she biologically had to have in common with her father.

"At any rate, can someone please stop their persistent screams of the apocalypse? My virgin eardrums may start bleeding any minute now."

**Author's Note:** I feel compelled to slap on a disclaimer after every chapter to apologize for the high amounts of stupid I inflict upon you all ;; I'm sorry. On another note, if anyone would like to take the premise of this fic (i.e. manwhore!wannabe!Hikaru) and write a spin-off, please feel free, I'd love to read it!

**Next! Chapter 6: Where Someone More Stupid Than Everyone Thinks Appears**


	6. Where Someone Truly Stupid Appears

**Title:** Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 6/7)  
**Author:** Jengou  
**Fandom:** Ouran High School Host Club  
**Genre:** Emotastic!Crack (Humour)  
**Pairing:** Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)  
**Spoilers:** This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.  
**Description:** Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.  
**Disclaimers:** Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.  
**Acknowledgements:** Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

**Chapter 6: Where Someone More Stupid Than Everyone Thinks Appears**

"Their problem is quite simple," the doctor explained for the umpteenth time. "Most, if not all, of their memories are intact - the memories are just jumbled because the section of their brain which stores a person's sense of self-identity is misaligned."

The host club members looked blank still. The doctor sighed imperceptibly (for he is a pro!).

"There is a node of our brain which gives us our sense of self-identity, the certainty that 'I am me' and 'this happened to me'. People can tell that an experience in the past happened to them personally thanks to this node of self-identity - there is extra closeness to events that happen to self. Are you with me so far?"

Some slow nods.

"For most people, it's not a severe problem even if this node in our brain ceased to work. That's because, as a back-up, you can identify memories that happened to you by identifying yourself in your memories in terms of physical characteristics. Like seeing yourself in a movie. So while the memory may not feel as close as with a functioning self-identity node, the sense of self-identity can still be deduced through logical reasoning.

"Now there is actually a second level of back-up in awareness of self-identity, and that is simply the fact that one person cannot usually hold complete memories of more than one person. For example, even if my self-identity node failed to function and I look exactly like Michael Jackson, I know I cannot be Michael Jackson because I have no memory of undergoing plastic surgery. Among other things." The doctor coughed.

"So the situation is this: Hitachiin Hikaru and Hitachiin Kaoru's self-identity nodes have been jogged out of place due to the train crash. The first level of back-up doesn't work because they are identical twins. The second level of back-up also fails because of their intimacy - they spend so much time together and have so many overlapping memories that they literally contain two people's worth of life-long memories in their brain. And THAT is why they remember potentially everything except who is Hitachiin Hikaru and who is Hitachiin Kaoru."

"So basically, Hikaru and Kaoru remember practically everything except who they are! Doctor, why did you take so long to explain this!"

The doctor nearly grumbled. "Because within my explanation lies the solution to our problem! Only one thing can instill their sense of self-identities again, and that is to realign the self-identity nodes. And to do that..."

"To do that...!" The host club members echoed in utter suspense.

"To do that, you must present to them indisputable evidence of who is Hitachiin Hikaru and who is Hitachiin Kaoru."

It took 5 minutes for the gravity of this statement to sink in.

"Doctor no BAKAAAAA! Our problem is that we don't know who is who! And now you tell us that the solution lies in finding out who is who! What USELESS advice!"

"I... how dare you undermine my years' worth of medical research!"

"What would your recommendation be if we cannot provide this 'indisputable evidence'?" Kyouya interjected.

"Well, in that case, I strongly discourage the continued use of their present names. The connotations attached to the names are irrelevant now, a hindrance even, for the two Hitachiin patients to establish new personalities. So, I recommend using new names. Eheh, I've always found Fred and George to be great names for twins." The doctor chuckled at this joke (no one else did).

"Ne ne, I think if we got the two of them to kiss, then everything will work out."

"...How does that work?"

"Well, it might jog a memory of something, and then jog the self-identity node into place through a domino effect!"

"Lame!"

"Wait, whose suggestion was that anyway?"

**Author's Note:** Last chapter tomorrow, please wait for it! By the way, the 'style' chapter 4 is written was supposed to imitate 'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya' a little bit

**Next! Chapter 7: Where Our Heroes Seek Indisputable Evidence**


	7. Where Indisputable Evidence is Sought

**Title:** Hikaru's Counter-Emo Master Plan (Chapter 7/7)  
**Author:** Jengou  
**Fandom:** Ouran High School Host Club  
**Genre:** Emotastic!Crack (Humour)  
**Pairing:** Kaoru/Hikaru (implied Mori/Honey and Tamaki/Kyouya)  
**Spoilers:** This fic takes place at the end of episode 21, the afternoon after the Halloween class event.  
**Description:** Cause: Kaoru is acting emo. Effect: Hikaru becomes a manwhore.  
**Disclaimers:** Ouran High School Host Club is created by Bisco Hatori.  
**Acknowledgements:** Super galactic THANKS to elict for betaing this! She is the coolest and most encouraging beta in the world :)

**Chapter 7: Where Our Heroes Seek Indisputable Evidence**

"It's all YOUR fault!" The twins yelled in tandem, pointed to each other accusingly. "You should have pushed me away when the train came derailing towards us! What kind of brother ARE you?"

"Just apologize already!" Haruhi demanded. "Your fighting isn't helping!"

"I won't. Don't wanna. Anyway, you can't apologize to someone when you don't know who you are and who the other person is! It's a rule!" Despite their fighting, the twins still yelled and pouted in synch, puffing out their cheeks like spastic hamsters.

Haruhi became quiet, and when she finally spoke, her voice shook.

"So... If I can tell you apart, it means you'll apologize to each other, right?"

With that, Haruhi put on a long-suffering face of determination, and promptly unbuttoned the twins' uniform jackets.

The rest of the host club scattered.

"RAPE!" the twins screamed under Haruhi's ministration.

"In front of your own father!" Tamaki and Ranka screeched in unison.

"Haruhi thinks that just because the victim doesn't know who he is, he can't report her to the police! Meany!" Honey exclaimed.

"Pervert!" uttered Mori.

"Sexual aggression a symptom of traumatic transvestital upbringing?" Kyouya scribbled on his clipboard.

"DON'T BE STUPID! I'm only taking off their shirts! See," Haruhi pointed with a magnifying glass that came from nowhere. "This chest has three hairs on it. That alone doesn't say anything, but this other chest only has two hairs. Meaning that the one with three hairs must be Hikaru!"

The stunned silence was broken by Ranka free-wheeling on the floor. "Haruhiiiiii! Why do you know such intimate details of these deliciously good-looking young men! How unproper!"

"Dad, that's not the issue right now..."

As though in their own little Space Bubble, the topless twins were engaged in a passionate embrace.

"HIKARU! It's thanks to your manwhorish tendencies!"

"KAORU! It's thanks to your emo-behaviour which triggered my manwhorish tendencies!"

"Hikaru, I promise not to push you away anymore!"

"Kaoru, I promise not to tell you I'm bored when we're in bed and I only have an elephant statuette on my crotch anymore!"

"Hikaru!"

"Kaoru!"

"Get out of my office, you cretins!"

**Epilogue**

RANKA: Ooh. Something shiney on the floor.

RANKA: Name tags. 'Hikaru Hitachiin' and 'Kaoru Hitachiin' in fancy italics.

RANKA: Hm...

RANKA: I can play kissy-kissy with them... ♥

**Author's Notes:** Thank you so much for reading all the way to the end, and for your kind words and patience! You have no idea how amazing your comments make me feel. They make me want to be your eternal unworthy fic slave :p Until next time, take care!


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